One of the more difficult family dynamics I see in estate planning arises when one child has taken on most of the responsibility for an aging parent. That child may live nearby, handle medical appointments, manage emergencies, help with finances, run errands, and spend countless hours providing care and support. Over time, they may understandably become frustrated or resentful that their siblings have not done more. Sometimes they feel that, because they carried most of the burden, they should receive more of the estate.

But there is often another side to the story.

A sibling who lives farther away—or simply has had a different relationship with the parent—may experience things very differently. When a parent's health declines, that child may suddenly become more present. The caregiving sibling may see that as someone "showing up at the end" because an inheritance is approaching. But the other child may be showing up because they are about to lose their mom or dad and are confronting grief, regret, distance, or the reality that there isn't much time left.

Then add inheritance to the equation.

If the caregiving child receives more, the other child may experience that not simply as a financial decision, but as a final message from the parent: My sibling mattered more. My sibling was loved more. I wasn't enough. That may not be what the parent intended at all.

There is no universal rule that children should inherit equally—or that a child who provides substantial care should receive more. Most parents I work with choose equal distributions among their children, even when the children have contributed very differently to their care. Others have reasons for making different choices.

The important part is recognizing the family dynamics before they become an estate dispute.

When helping parents plan in these circumstances, I encourage them to think beyond percentages and consider the bigger picture: Are expectations developing around compensation for caregiving? Has one child made significant financial or career sacrifices? Are gifts or reimbursements being made during the parent's lifetime? Is everyone clear about what is a gift, what is repayment, and what- if anything - is intended to affect the eventual inheritance?

And perhaps most importantly: What will the estate plan communicate to the children who are left behind?

Good estate planning isn't about deciding which child's perspective is right. Often, each child is experiencing the family through a very different lens. The goal is to help the parent make thoughtful, independent decisions - and, whenever possible, structure and communicate those decisions in a way that reduces misunderstanding, resentment, and conflict later.

Because after a parent dies, siblings aren't just dividing an estate. They're grieving a parent and interpreting a lifetime of family relationships at the same time.